Morning Glory Minis Rabbitry

NEVER SHAKE A BABY

....EVER!!!

Noah's First Christmas

SBS Survivor

Shaken, December 19, 1998

Noah & I in the PICU at Santa Barbara Cottage Hospital

December 27, 1998

Posted December 19, 2006

Eight years ago today, I sat in the PICU at Santa Barbara Cottage Hospital, in complete shock. I did not cry, I did not smile. I just sat. How could this happen to my sweet little boy. He never cried, except to say, "I need to be fed", "I need to be changed". He smiled at everyone. But, not anymore. He now laid quiet, while the machine worked to breath for him. It was near mid-night now, and I felt completely alone. Would I ever see my baby smile again? His head was shaved for IV access. He had a bruise on his side that no one could explain. Except for the seizures he was having he made no movements. He had just turn 3 months old. He was already rolling over.

The nurses would soon tell me that if he makes it through the night, he would be blind, deaf, and mentally handicapped. Why? He was perfect this morning?

The tears did not come until a day or so later. And then they didn't stop. I was SO afraid to pray for God to take away his pain, because I thought that in order to free him from his pain, he would be taken from me. I was not ready to let him go. I felt so selfish. I wanted him to fight, even if it was painful.

Two days later he was extubated, but his condition did not improve. He started having break-through seizures despite the meds. He would also have periods of bradycardia, and apnea. He was so pale. Still he did nothing more than moan. I asked the nurse if they could give him tylenol, or anything for pain. (this was just my Mom's instinct, he sounded as if he were in pain). The nurse just says, "Sorry, Honey, that is just what brain damaged babies do."

His lab results showed he was severely anemic, due to the bleeds all over his brain, and the multiple lab draws that he had to endure. His Dr. then tells me he needs a transfusion, because his organs were going to start failing. At this point his monitor alarm was going off every 15 mins., from his heart rate dropping into the 30s. I said of course, do anything he needs! I was so worried about the swelling in his brain. I have heard so many stories about people with brain injuries, and them requiring the pressure to be relieved. I am an EMT, I know these things. But, every time I would ask, they would give me a layman's answer. I wish I had the assertiveness then, that I have now!

By day 4 or 5, I was sitting in a chair holding Noah with all his tubes and wires, trying to not loose the last IV access. He was staring up at the TV. I called the nurse in to show her that he could see! He was tracking the light of the TV. Again, she let me down by saying that he wasn't tracking the light, the movement in his eyes was involuntary. (again, I knew better)

Christmas Eve, I broke down again. My 2 little girls were going to spend Christmas at home, 1 hour north of where Noah and I were. I just couldn't leave him here, even though my Dad and Step-Mom were here to watch over him. The nurses tried to make me feel better about going home, by saying they had everything there to take care of him, but in my head I was screaming, 'BUT YOU DON'T HAVE ME!' As, I looked down at my baby, I could only cry..."Does he even know who I am anymore?" His nurse asked what was wrong, and I told her I just want him to see me. ( by this time they were aware he was regaining his vision) She said, "but he can see you". Through the sobs, I couldn't explain what I meant. Could he see, and remember I was his Mommy?

*I do have to say, they did take EXCELLENT care of Noah & me, the nurses were great, despite a couple of their comments to me (I know where they were coming from, and I know all too well what they have to deal with). Noah's Doctor, went above and beyond to save my baby, I would swear he did not sleep the whole week Noah was in the PICU.

One of the 'rules' of the PICU is that the parents cannot sleep in there, but because I refused to leave his side and go to sleep I was completely wiped out, so when I finally crashed, the nurses just let me sleep. I was still holding him, and we both slept in that chair. The visiting Santa Claus came and went, and we still slept. I was so mentally fragile, that when I woke up and the nurses told me that Santa came and left a present for Noah, I started crying because we missed him. Those poor nurses! They didn't know what to do for me. Like I was their patient. They called down to the front desk and had Santa stopped and sent back up!

At one point, during those long nights, Noah's nurse asked me what I wanted for Christmas...my answer..."I want my baby to smile again."

Christmas day I got my wish! After Noah's transfusion, his cheeks turned pink, and he looked sooo much better. Later that day he smiled at ME! He had a long road ahead of him, but at that moment, I knew we could do it together.

Noah's Mom, Heidi

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